I was able to lose myself briefly in my story again today, but so far, I have not been able to replicate the complete immersion that I experienced when I was writing at the Bangor Public Library.  Somehow, no matter where I am in my house, I find something to distract myself.  I am starting to think that I should take some time during the week, once or twice, to hang out at the library after work and the gym to get some writing done.

My paragraphs from today are ok.  They aren't particularly amazing, but every line of my story can't be perfectly amazing, right? 

I actually had to force myself to walk away from writing tonight.  I am working on a very emotional scene, one that I was unaware that I was so personally attached to.  Jaxon is remembering, and the emotion in those memories are emotions I remember feeling at one point, emotions that I had thought I was able to put to rest.  Emotions that I thought I had dealt with already, analyzed them, accepted them, and then let them go.  I am realizing as I am writing that this might be the case.

I have a terrible habit of taking my feelings and shoving them into a little black box to deal with when I have "more time."  What I am realizing is that I never really deal with them.  I put them in this little black box, shove in the back of my mind and throw away the key and forget that they exist.  Until something pops up that reopens that box, and I am forced to revisit them.  But inevitably, I fight them back into their box.  This can't be healthy.

Perhaps my writing will become more therapeutic that I realized.  Not that I have a book's worth of unsolved emotions, but it has been so long since I have used writing as a form of self- analysis and "therapy" that I had forgotten how powerful my reactions to writing fiction based on similar experiences can be.  The next few pages are going to be hard.  But part of me is looking forward to facing these feelings and actually dealing with them.  And part of me is terrified about what I may rediscover.  What will these feelings hold for me?  Will they set me back, make me question myself and some of my decisions?  Or will they reinforce my beliefs, the values, the very core of who I think I am?

I forced myself not to think about my story for a few days, and just enjoyed spending time with Shawn.  This included going to a friends wedding, a nice date night complete with dinner and a trip to the movies, and yesterday, an incredibly random and spontaneous road trip to Boston, where we wandered around the aquarium, had some delicious Japanese food on the steps on Faneuil Hall (a.k.a Quincy Market), and danced in the water spouts shooting from one of the sidewalks near the aquarium.  The entire day felt like something out of a movie, right down to the kiss we shared under the falling water of the sidewalk spouts.  It was one of the most perfect days I have had all summer.  What a great way to close out Summer 2011 :-)

Today, it was back to the old routine, but even that was somewhat shaken up when I pinched a nerve while trying to avoid a branch while I was mowing.  As a result, I spent a good majority of the day laying on a heating pack on the floor, with Shawn occasionally trying to rub the nerve loose.  I have finally gotten it to a point where I can move around, although my head remains cocked to the left hand side, where the pain is muted.  Tomorrow should be interesting...

I sat down a few minutes ago to start writing for the first time in about a week, and was disappointed to notice that my block is still firmly in place.  I was able to write 2 paragraphs, although whether or not they are solid is certainly up for debate.  I have definitely spent a good deal of time today brainstorming, and I know where I want to go with this, I'm just not quite sure how to get it there.  The spontaneous character I introduced last week has definitely intrigued me, and I have spent quite some time exploring him and where I want to take him, and his relationship with my main character, Jaxon.

Listening to my Pandora mix tonight, with a glass of Sangria, I will try to find some way around my block, even if it is for only a few short paragraphs...

Stuckity stuck stuck

Once again, after an awesome creative streak where I introduced a new character and possibly a second plot line within my original, I am stuck.  I have been staring at my paragraphs for a good 30 minutes, and have come up with nothing.  I'm not sure where to take the story from here.  I think I will, once again, walk away for a bit and try not to force what I've got.

Grrrrr, I hate writer's block!

Last night, I parked myself in a comfortable chair in one of the reading rooms in the Bangor Public Library to write while I waited for my book club to start at 6.  I wrote for 40 minutes, and churned out a little over 1200 words.  I was able to lose myself in my story for the first time in a very long time.  When I looked up after coming out of my writing-daze, I discovered that I had accidentally introduced a new character.  I had no intention of creating another character, but he just manifested in my writing.  The scene and the character were completely accidental, but after going back and re-reading, I love the scene and character.  I am interested to see where my brain takes this, and if I can lose myself in my writing again.

For my birthday, Shawn took me horseback riding today.  My birthday is tomorrow and this was part of my present.  The first part was a lovely dinner at Thistle's on Friday night, where we listened to live jazz.  It has been a mellow weekend, one unfortunately that Shawn has spent feeling a little under the weather.

I sat down to write today, and felt creatively groggy.  I seemed to have a small allergic reaction to the horses, which isn't all that surprising, considering my allergies to cats and hay, so I ended up taking a few Benedryl when we got home and it made me drowsy.  I think that drowsiness translated into my creativity.  I'm not going to try to push it tonight.  I wrote a few sentences and will call it good for the evening.

I had every intention of going to my kickboxing class at the gym today, but my stomach is still slightly unsettled, so I opted to come home and try out a new chicken recipe for dinner and make a simple salad with Greek Vinaigrette dressing.  The chicken is baking in a new honey mustard dressing, and it smells wonderful!  I'm trying to wait for Shawn to get home before I actually eat, but with the smells wafting through the house right now, I have a feeling that it's going to be hard :-)

Now that I finally have the time, I have discovered that I love to cook!  I have never really had the time to site down and make real meals before, but now that I am only working one full time job, and I get home every night before 8 pm, I have time to whip up something, even if it's just a quick, small little something.  I am constantly on the lookout for new, yummy recipes, most of the involving chicken.  I remember loving steak as a kid and now- while I do still love steak- I find myself much more interested in chicken. 

When my chicken went into the oven, I sat down to watch some NCIS and write.  Another 3 paragraphs down today, which makes me feel good.  I feel good about the few paragraphs I wrote, and still feel like I might be able to bust out a few more.  Today is a good day for writing.

My last batch of chicken is finishing up in the oven, and I'm anxiously awaiting Shawn's return from the gym, but I am thinking it's not going to happen :-p