Gone Too Long

Wow, almost a whole year without blogging or writing...  It kind of hurts to realize that.  Too many things going to explain my long absence, but the important thing, is that I'm back!  I had a nice quiet day off at home today (which I feel like hasn't happened in forever!) and as a result, had some time to listen to music and feel creativity stirring at the back of my brain.  With no expectation what-so-ever, I sat on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate and my book and fountain pen, and just let myself write.  Not caring what was coming out, just enjoying the almost forgotten sensation of writing.  When I finally looked up from my book, I was surprised to see 4 hours and 7 full pages of something good had passed.  I'm not putting any expectations on what I just wrote, just acknowledging that it felt good, I like where it's going, and if I find some more quiet time in the future, I'll where else it takes me.

Feels good to be back :-)

Every little bit helps

Yay, I finally wrote a little yesterday!  :-p  It was only a quick 2 paragraphs, but I found myself lying in bed last night thinking about where I'm going to go with the next few paragraphs and how I want this scene to happen, which hasn't happened in a few months, so I think the creative juices are sluggishly starting to flow again.

I'm not going to push it, and maybe try to write a few more paragraphs tonight, but if the words aren't coming, I'm going to sit there and try to force them.  They'll come out on their own, when they're ready.

Terrible Writer

Yup, I'm officially a terrible writer.  I said I would start writing and posting again at the start of the New Year, and here we are, most of the way through April, and I have yet to do either.  In my defense, my life has been hella crazy...  I picked up a second part-time job, so that's keeping me busy, along with my full time job, and my glass/mirror etching on the side. 

I have been thinking about the transition that has been giving me so many issues over the past several months, and I still haven't quite decided how I'm going to work around it.  My goal is start carrying my net book around with me, since it's cute and small and fits nicely in my purse so when I have a few spare minutes, I can jot down some notes, and try to work through this transition.  It's a good thing I decided not to set a time-table on this project, because I would be terribly behind and very likely discouraged :-p

Baby steps!  I'll get there :-)

Time Out

Well, my writing has DEFINITELY fallen off over the past few weeks.  I am working on a new hobby- etching glass and mirrors- and as I am now taking orders for the holidays, most of my spare time is taken up with that.  I am still thinking about the direction of my story every day, and still seem to be stuck, for whatever reason.  It is most frustrating.

However, with the business of my new hobby, and an attempt save my sanity,  have decided to walk away from the story for a little while.  After the holidays, and my days are not taken up with etching, I will resume.  It has been a decision that I have been struggling with, but I have the support of an amazing partner who promises to give me a kick in the @$$ in mid-January if I am still procrastinating. 

So, for a month or so, farewell.  But please, keep checking back in the unlikely event that I am able to get some time to myself to work this block I've got going on, in which case, I will post!  If I don't post before, have an amazing holiday season, and I will write again next year :-p

Realizations

Well, I finally sat my ass down tonight and wrote about 2 pages.  About time!  I haven't written in about a month, and as much as I would like to attribute it to the double tooth extractions I had a few weeks ago, or the writer's block that I've been having, or to the busy-ness of my new schedule with my new hobby of glass etching which I take to craft fairs, really what it boils down to is straight up laziness.

My goal to write a little every has definitely fallen to the wayside over the past few weeks.  I have come to discover that I simply cannot write at home.  There are entirely too many distractions for me and I can't bring myself to ignore everything and sit down and write.  I tried writing at Starbucks and was able to churn out a solid few pages.  I decided that I need to not write at home.  I need to write somewhere else.  And my desire to write a little every day is just not going to happen.  I have a new routine, and in order to get my etching done, and go to the gym at least three times a week, I simply don't have anything left to write at night.  So, I have decided to devote Tuesdays and Thursdays to writing.

After work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I am going to go somewhere in town right after work and write for an hour.  That puts me home around 6:30, which gives me plenty time to make dinner and wind down before I have to go bed.  I generally don't go to the gym on Tuesdays or Thursdays anyway, so I don't really feel the absence of home for that hour. 

I'm hoping this new routine will work out.  Today was day one, and I'm going to give it a few weeks.  If it doesn't work, I'll have to re-evaluate again.  But this is what life is about, right?  Trying new things, adapting, and finding something that works.

Well, I've dropped the ball not only on posting but on writing in general.  I had two teeth extracted a little over a week ago, and I haven't really been thinking about writing.  I have a hard time writing at home now.  There are too many things to distract me, and I haven't been feeling well enough to drag my lazy, tired butt to the library or Starbucks to write.  Now that my stitches are out, I am hoping to get back to the game.

Sat in Starbucks today to write a little, and was able to churn out a solid page.  I'm content with what I wrote, and am looking forward to digging a little deeper into the relationship of two of my main characters.  I'm still trying to figure out what to do with Gabriel Masterson, the random character that appeared earlier.  I know he is going to be a huge player sometime down the road, I'm just not quite sure where, and if he's going to be a good player or a bad player.  It is still undecided. 

I can tell that I am going to need to dwell pretty deeply into his character and see what kind of person he really is.  I think I am going to like him, good player or bad.  I also started getting a little deeper into another character, Jamie, who plays a huge role in the relationship between my two main characters. 

Ahh, I'm giving away too much!

I was able to lose myself briefly in my story again today, but so far, I have not been able to replicate the complete immersion that I experienced when I was writing at the Bangor Public Library.  Somehow, no matter where I am in my house, I find something to distract myself.  I am starting to think that I should take some time during the week, once or twice, to hang out at the library after work and the gym to get some writing done.

My paragraphs from today are ok.  They aren't particularly amazing, but every line of my story can't be perfectly amazing, right? 

I actually had to force myself to walk away from writing tonight.  I am working on a very emotional scene, one that I was unaware that I was so personally attached to.  Jaxon is remembering, and the emotion in those memories are emotions I remember feeling at one point, emotions that I had thought I was able to put to rest.  Emotions that I thought I had dealt with already, analyzed them, accepted them, and then let them go.  I am realizing as I am writing that this might be the case.

I have a terrible habit of taking my feelings and shoving them into a little black box to deal with when I have "more time."  What I am realizing is that I never really deal with them.  I put them in this little black box, shove in the back of my mind and throw away the key and forget that they exist.  Until something pops up that reopens that box, and I am forced to revisit them.  But inevitably, I fight them back into their box.  This can't be healthy.

Perhaps my writing will become more therapeutic that I realized.  Not that I have a book's worth of unsolved emotions, but it has been so long since I have used writing as a form of self- analysis and "therapy" that I had forgotten how powerful my reactions to writing fiction based on similar experiences can be.  The next few pages are going to be hard.  But part of me is looking forward to facing these feelings and actually dealing with them.  And part of me is terrified about what I may rediscover.  What will these feelings hold for me?  Will they set me back, make me question myself and some of my decisions?  Or will they reinforce my beliefs, the values, the very core of who I think I am?

I forced myself not to think about my story for a few days, and just enjoyed spending time with Shawn.  This included going to a friends wedding, a nice date night complete with dinner and a trip to the movies, and yesterday, an incredibly random and spontaneous road trip to Boston, where we wandered around the aquarium, had some delicious Japanese food on the steps on Faneuil Hall (a.k.a Quincy Market), and danced in the water spouts shooting from one of the sidewalks near the aquarium.  The entire day felt like something out of a movie, right down to the kiss we shared under the falling water of the sidewalk spouts.  It was one of the most perfect days I have had all summer.  What a great way to close out Summer 2011 :-)

Today, it was back to the old routine, but even that was somewhat shaken up when I pinched a nerve while trying to avoid a branch while I was mowing.  As a result, I spent a good majority of the day laying on a heating pack on the floor, with Shawn occasionally trying to rub the nerve loose.  I have finally gotten it to a point where I can move around, although my head remains cocked to the left hand side, where the pain is muted.  Tomorrow should be interesting...

I sat down a few minutes ago to start writing for the first time in about a week, and was disappointed to notice that my block is still firmly in place.  I was able to write 2 paragraphs, although whether or not they are solid is certainly up for debate.  I have definitely spent a good deal of time today brainstorming, and I know where I want to go with this, I'm just not quite sure how to get it there.  The spontaneous character I introduced last week has definitely intrigued me, and I have spent quite some time exploring him and where I want to take him, and his relationship with my main character, Jaxon.

Listening to my Pandora mix tonight, with a glass of Sangria, I will try to find some way around my block, even if it is for only a few short paragraphs...

Stuckity stuck stuck

Once again, after an awesome creative streak where I introduced a new character and possibly a second plot line within my original, I am stuck.  I have been staring at my paragraphs for a good 30 minutes, and have come up with nothing.  I'm not sure where to take the story from here.  I think I will, once again, walk away for a bit and try not to force what I've got.

Grrrrr, I hate writer's block!

Last night, I parked myself in a comfortable chair in one of the reading rooms in the Bangor Public Library to write while I waited for my book club to start at 6.  I wrote for 40 minutes, and churned out a little over 1200 words.  I was able to lose myself in my story for the first time in a very long time.  When I looked up after coming out of my writing-daze, I discovered that I had accidentally introduced a new character.  I had no intention of creating another character, but he just manifested in my writing.  The scene and the character were completely accidental, but after going back and re-reading, I love the scene and character.  I am interested to see where my brain takes this, and if I can lose myself in my writing again.

For my birthday, Shawn took me horseback riding today.  My birthday is tomorrow and this was part of my present.  The first part was a lovely dinner at Thistle's on Friday night, where we listened to live jazz.  It has been a mellow weekend, one unfortunately that Shawn has spent feeling a little under the weather.

I sat down to write today, and felt creatively groggy.  I seemed to have a small allergic reaction to the horses, which isn't all that surprising, considering my allergies to cats and hay, so I ended up taking a few Benedryl when we got home and it made me drowsy.  I think that drowsiness translated into my creativity.  I'm not going to try to push it tonight.  I wrote a few sentences and will call it good for the evening.

I had every intention of going to my kickboxing class at the gym today, but my stomach is still slightly unsettled, so I opted to come home and try out a new chicken recipe for dinner and make a simple salad with Greek Vinaigrette dressing.  The chicken is baking in a new honey mustard dressing, and it smells wonderful!  I'm trying to wait for Shawn to get home before I actually eat, but with the smells wafting through the house right now, I have a feeling that it's going to be hard :-)

Now that I finally have the time, I have discovered that I love to cook!  I have never really had the time to site down and make real meals before, but now that I am only working one full time job, and I get home every night before 8 pm, I have time to whip up something, even if it's just a quick, small little something.  I am constantly on the lookout for new, yummy recipes, most of the involving chicken.  I remember loving steak as a kid and now- while I do still love steak- I find myself much more interested in chicken. 

When my chicken went into the oven, I sat down to watch some NCIS and write.  Another 3 paragraphs down today, which makes me feel good.  I feel good about the few paragraphs I wrote, and still feel like I might be able to bust out a few more.  Today is a good day for writing.

My last batch of chicken is finishing up in the oven, and I'm anxiously awaiting Shawn's return from the gym, but I am thinking it's not going to happen :-p

Last night, I went to the Reba McEntire concert with my two sisters, Tricia and Brooklyn.  It was one of the first times that the three of us had had a chance to go out and do something.  It was amazing.  And aside from the fact that I spent some time with two of my favorite people, it was a wonderful show, I love Reba!  It was a great show, and I spent it with great people :-)

Today was a very quiet day at home, which I spent with Shawn, and did a little writing.  I only wrote about 2 paragraphs, but at least it was something.  Shawn and I then went to Great Skates with his brother and sister-in-law to watch people skating, and I think it might be something I want to try.  The people that had been doing it for a long time looked so comfortable and like they were having so much fun.  There were a few old couples skating in sync with each other and it was really cute.

I wrote two solid paragraphs today, and my desire to write a little very day is, so far, working pretty well.  If the words don't flow, I stop.  Even if it's just a sentence, at least I write something.

I haven't been feeling well the last few days, and have been engrossed in yet another great story.  Montana 1948 by Larry Watson.  I spent most of the day Wednesday sleeping, trying to keep my naseua at bay.  I haven't had much in the way of creativity the last few days.  I have been having to really force myself to sit and write, and the writing has certainly not been my usual quality.  So, I thought it best to walk away for a bit.

The weather is getting very chilly, and I'm not quite ready to give up summer.  There are things during autumn that I look forward to; picking apples with Shawn, carving pumpkins and making toasted pumpkin seeds and pumpkin pie with the fill form the pumpkins, walking in piles of leaves in the park.  But I hate that they will be the last days that I spend outside for several months.  I'm not a huge winter person, because I get cold very quickly and have a hard time warming back up. 

But I suppose on the upside, when the snow starts to fly, I will have no excuse to hide from my writing :-)

Well, I definitely didn't get any writing done this week.  My week was taken up with work, the gym, house and car projects, and the amazing book I just finished for my book club, called Garden Spells.  I spent most of my free time engrossed in that book, and it came highly recommended but way exceeded my expectations!

This week, I need to really buckle down and throw at least a page or two out on my story.  Time to get back on track!

The deer came back yesterday.  They didn't hang around as long as the day before, but they did play with me again.  Basically the same way as they played before.

I wrote about 1/2 a page today and felt like the words came a little forced so I backed off.  I checked out two new books from the library and as soon as I finish them, it will make 30 books that I have read since January :-)  And I have enjoyed every book that I have read since then, which is unusual for me.  I typically find at least one book that I don't enjoy throughout the year, but this year, I have enjoyed them all.  I credit most of that to joining two book clubs at the Bangor Public Library.

I backed off the writing today and substituted reading in its place.  Hopefully my writing will be a little more forthcoming tomorrow.  We shall see...

Deer games :-)

After churning out a few paragraphs, I took a break to listen to the rain hitting the roof and watch it slide down my windows.  It is incredibly therapeutic.  One of my favorite sounds in the whole world is the rain.  Shawn and I opened the door to our back porch and stood listening and watching as the rain came down.

Then, we noticed two little baby deer hanging out under one of our pine trees.  They were chasing each other around and shaking their heads when water drops fell on their heads.  Probably one of the cutest things I have seen in a while.  When the rain calmed down and the deer came out to play in the yard, I thought, "What the hell?"  And walked outside barefoot as slowly and quietly as I could.  I got within about 100 feet of one.  It noticed I was there, and started playing with me.  It would run at me to see what I would do, then turn and run sideways.  Then run backwards and then at me again.  It did this three or four times, all the while watching me.

At one point, I had a bug on my leg and lifted my leg to brush it away.  As I did this, the deer lifted its back leg as well while it stared at me.  When I set my foot back down, it lowered its foot.  The second deer was just munching away on the grass behind the first one.  And then Shawn had to go and ruin the moment by moving :-p  He spooked the deer and they ran off.  But still, one of the coolest moments of my weekend was playing Simon Says with a baby deer after a thunderstorm :-)

I've spent the last few days relaxing, and spending time with Shawn.  We haven't really gotten a chance to see each other lately, so my writing has taken a back seat while I  have been catching up with my hunny.

I have been thinking about a scene that I would like to add in, but I just can't figure out a way to fit it.  I know what I want to do, I'm just unsure of how to work it.  If I want to describe everything right up front, or just drop hints and unveil everything later in the story.

I may end up doing what I'm doing with my two different version and just writing it both ways and seeing which I prefer.  It's a lot of extra writing, but if I can get my ideas out and write them well, then I think it's worth it.